FACING FEAR IN THE PINNACLES
I was told by a Medium during my initial realization of my deeper awakening period that my father took away my fear. I believe what she meant was the fear of not doing things alone which I had made a comment to her about how I traveled alone. My father passed away in August of 2018, so obviously she was speaking to my Dad’s spirit. I’ve really embraced this idea in life, nowadays, but also know that life is very precious and I wouldn’t do anything overly risky if it went against my intuition. It’s allowed me to live a life where I selfishly can do whatever I want because I’m no longer waiting around to meet that someone to experience life with.
So, if you read my blog Ego Death in the Emigrant Wilderness you will remember that I took my first solo backpacking trip. I decided to plan another one the 3rd week in September to the Carson-Iceberg Wilderness near Dardanelle off 108 past Sonora. I had a nice 20-mile loop picked out and was going to take 2 nights, 3 days to complete it. I ordered a beefed-up day pack and got her all ready for the trip trying to have as much light of a load as possible to make the hike more enjoyable. Thrilled with the plan, everything was loaded up, so I checked the weather and saw the evening temps in Dardanelle were in the low 40’s so my guess is that they would be in the 30’s higher up. I cancelled.
Even though the astrologists were saying this month was going to calm down I personally felt a little let up at the beginning of September but then all my expectations of myself to get so much done before Winter came tumbling down on me by the second week. I knew I had to do something during that time frame I had planned to backpack. The building of anxiety felt insurmountable, and I was using old behaviors to deal with it.
So, I pulled a card asking the question, what can I do to make this overwhelming feeling go away? I got the Page of Wands. This was exciting to me because I don’t ever remember pulling this card, so I eagerly picked up my Big Book of Tarot and it said Be Creative, Be Enthusiastic, Be Confident and Be Courageous. OK, cool so there was some direction.
I knew getting outside was definitely in the plan and the backpack was all ready to go so I decided since I already had to run errands in the direction to head to Pinnacles National Park. The plan was to go early so I could hike and maybe spend the night. Well, my anxiety continued to escalate and almost became debilitating. If you’ve dealt with that feeling you know how it makes you feel like everything is caving in on you, including your chest. Your brain is spinning out of control, and your body is in a state of panic. I got a late start and didn’t arrive at Pinnacles until 5:00pm. You know how they say everything happens for a reason? Well, yeah that was my realization when I arrived there because the ranger kiosk, which was closed, had a weather report and it was 93 degrees there during the day and hotter up higher. First time I’ve probably appreciated anxiety cause it slowed me down in getting what I needed to do in order to go to Pinnacles.
My first mission was to scope out some suitable camping sites in the campground for a hammock set up so I noted a few then headed to Old Pinnacles Parking. I knew of a trail that was a 12 mile loop called the North Wilderness Trail so decided I would start out on that and see how it went. I also was confident with taking my backpack so that I could see how it felt. So, I enthusiastically set off in daylight. I noticed the waxing Moon hovering above a large pinnacle rock formation and was happy she would accompany me. My new set up was proving to be a good choice and I was happy with how quickly I was able to hike with the light load. I’d done the first part of this trail before and remembered the spots where I had stopped and admired Nature. When I went in the Spring there were so many wildflowers and stream crossings that it made for a very adventurous hike. The Summer heat had dried up all the stream beds and the vegetation was golden colored.
After two hours it became dark and I had traveled over 5 miles then I had to be creative with my lantern by connecting it to the straps of my backpack so I could still use my hiking poles. It swung gingerly side to side making the light bob from one side of the trail to the
other. I had decided that I was going to go as far as I felt like I could go and worse case I’d put up my hammock and sleep then hike out in the am. No big deal, trying really hard to live in the moment and not overthink anything. After 6 miles of fairly flat terrain the trail took a hard left straight up the mountain side. I was still hiking in a tank top and shorts comfortably. I’ve been doing a lot of breathwork lately with the teaching of the Breathe Series at Mystic Health & Wellness Center which came in handy as I was trekking up. But the best moments were when I caught my breath and looked up over the mountain range and saw my sweet Moon companion checking in on me before she went to sleep for the night.
So, I know what some of you may be thinking and I did bring it up in the beginning……..what about fear? I came up with a few questions while being on this adventure to help me be courageous. Are you in danger? No. Is your body able? Yes. Do you have what you need to live for a night out here if needed? Yes. And when I asked and answered any fear, I did have disappeared. I also when I felt uneasy or my brain started to spin, I’d stop look at the sky and say how small and insignificant I am here in this big Universe but also how my light here is so important. This mindset was the cure for the reoccurring depression that used to make me feel like I didn’t belong here just a few years ago.
When I reached the peak, I stopped and had cell service so I was able to identify that Saturn, Aquarius, Pisces, Caprius, Scorpio, Ursa Major and Ursa Minor were all watching over me. From up there I saw more stars than normal and the sky was so clear. As I started descending down, I felt like I was going the wrong way somehow. Did I miss a turn? Once again, I returned to my safe questions and determined that even if I did everything would be ok. Ha, how many wrong turns have I felt I’ve taken my whole life only to realize everything turned out just the way it should have!
It felt like an eternity, but I finally courageously made it to the Chaparral Parking Area, which you can access from the East entrance of Pinnacles. As I hiked the Balconies Cave Trail, I had decided to add .4 of a mile on to the hike because I didn’t want to go through the caves at night. That was fear creeping into my plan and I quickly redirected it for a better experience. Instead, I took the Balconies Cliff Trail, and the dark silhouettes of the towering Pinnacles took my breath away. I had a new appreciation for hiking in the dark and knew that it wouldn’t be the last time.
The last few miles I made the crickets chirping my focus. I started having feelings that something was following me, but each time I turned around to face that fear there was nothing there. I called in my guides to help calm my nerves and they responded with strength. My female ancestors bringing to my attention the hard work and sacrifices they made so that I could live a comfortable and free life. The male ancestors walking with me with their wisdom and power of protection. I was made aware of a new guide that I had not known in their living life, a Great Grandmother, who loved doing many of the activities that I do.
During the hike there were several times I’d hear flapping of wings in the trees or a bat would fly over my head. But as I was on the final leg of this hike I felt and heard something larger in the bushes. Erratically, I turned around made a loud noise and raised my poles overhead. My fight response came out then quickly subsided to calm again. It was a reminder that we do need our fight or flight responses, but we also need to be able to come out of that state and return to our safe zones.
By this time I knew I’d make it out of the park that night and sleep in my own bed. As I was nearing the car I gave myself gratitude for my body, willpower and drive. I was proud that I was able to put my fear aside to enjoy what the Universe had to show me.
There is a lot to be fearful of in life but how can we turn that feeling around so that we can experience all the best life has to offer? In the moment it may be difficult to see the whys of the situations that create fear but after a careful evaluation you can see the bigger picture. All I ask is that we be aware not to live each moment in worry, fear, anger, fight and flight and try to transition those feelings into contentment, compassion, love, rest and digest.
Thank you for reading my blog and I hope you and I can enjoy this journey to eternity! Below is a link for the Breathe Series classes that are being held the 1st part of October if you are interested in learning more about breath work and it's benefits.
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